Alpha Lyrae
by Silverrun
Summary: A must-read for anyone who missed the FemShep/Vega romance option ;) Retrospective as well as post ME3. "Life is a battlefield! Every day is a fight! It doesn't matter whether we're fighting for survival, money or to get the person we love. And today, I'm done fighting for anything else but Earth!" "Well I'm not, Commander."
1. Intro

___It will all be over, now or then,__  
____we will part and grow distant over time,__  
____we'll accept victory or loss__  
____as it comes._

___It will have been love or simple confusion,__  
____who knows - or maybe__  
____a daydream__  
____too real to forget._

___It will have been a fight,__  
____not surrender;__  
____nor a stalemate,__  
____nor attack._

___I will have lost control and command__  
____over most things.__  
____You will have been an anchor to a better reality__  
____and a reason to survive._

___We will have been walking through blood__  
____but never stopped.__  
____And the world will have been watching,__  
____expressionless,_

___as it will be over, nonetheless,__  
____and the bond we'll have had is strong__  
____beyond knowing__  
____even the strongest bonds_

___will break._

___- LS_


	2. War room

The war room was in chaos. Most of the terminals were occupied and gathering or sending intel, filling the circular space with beeps, bleeps and computerized messages. Engineers were sorting through exposed wiring and putting the room back in order after the not-so-gentle landing. Clanking and creaking.

Shouts. Urgent voices.

The noise created a deafening little solitude by the main QEC terminal.

An asari, a turian and a human were standing next to each other, staring at the dead control light. They didn't move, didn't speak, and haven't for quite some time.

Even with all the racket at their backs, it seemed very quiet where they stood.

"Okay!" Traynor's voice from the intercom made them jump. She sounded exhausted, nervous and a little bit relieved. "The link should be stable now, if you'd like to contact Alliance command."

Nobody moved. They kept staring at the light, which began flashing green. Seconds flew by.

Finally, Garrus cleared his throat.

"It's your ship now, Major."

Kaidan kept staring at the light.

"Right," he almost whispered.

He didn't move.

Liara stepped forward and activated the console.

The static was bad, but they recognized Hackett's silhouette and crackling voice.

"Doctor T'Soni. Where did you end up?"

"We are not certain, admiral. Within FTL range, I'm sure. The Normandy is in no condition to jump, however, we have to make repairs. Did the fleets survive?"

"Yes, they are returning to Earth to aid the survivors and assess the situation. The Crucible teams have been dispatched to examine the relays and figure out if we will be able to use them in the near future. You can imagine that the other races are eager to get back to their planets."

"Yes, of course."

There was silence.

"The Citadel seems to have disintegrated." Hackett's voice sounded heavier and slightly quieter now. "The remains are in decaying orbit. We will try to stabilize and search them, but don't get your hopes up."

Silence. Tense.

"Thank you, sir," managed Kaidan.

"Of course. In the meantime, get your ship back in shape and moving, Major, we could sure use your crew here.

Hackett out."

Another silence.

"Well," Garrus said softly, "you heard the man. We should get to it."

Liara sighed, and nodded. "Of course."

They turned to leave.

Then stopped.

James was standing in the doorway. He stood tall and strong and looked them straight in the eye without a muscle twitching in his face. And yet...

He looked beaten. He looked like a man who had gone through all his despair, fury, frustration and grief until the only thing left was defeat. He stood there and his eyes were begging them for help.

"I thought..." His voice broke. He frowned and cleared his throat and tried again. "I thought she was gonna survive this. She always does. Always. Everything. She deserved to."

He was waiting for them to say something. Something that would save him, his breaking faith, his breaking heart.

There was nothing to say. Liara stepped forward and put her hand on his shoulder.

Garrus moved toward the doorway.

"Let's get to work. Take our minds off things..."

They followed him out.

James stood in front of the silent QEC, shivering with suppressed emotion.

Expressionless.


	3. Omega

_"You're a damned fool if you think I'm gonna let a soldier as good as you piss your life away in this shithole!"_

_Anderson's voice cut like a knife into his spinning consciousness. I probably have a concussion, he thought. He pressed his left hand to his temple to stop the bleeding and wondered why Anderson found him now, of all times, and what for._

_The admiral stopped abruptly, turned to him and looked him over sharply. Then he pumped him with an insensitively strong dose of medi-gel._

_"Whoa!" James staggered. "Next time you want me to get high, sir, just tell me!"_

_Anderson turned his back again and started walking. _

_"You're coming with me to Earth. NOW."_

_James stopped instantly._

_"Forget it. There's nothing for me there." Or anywhere else, he thought bitterly. There wasn't anything but things that clouded his head, memories and thought. Right now, his mind was much sharper than he'd like._

_Anderson didn't even turn his head._

_"I've got something for you. Something you haven't had before."_

_They were walking again. He couldn't help it, something in what Anderson said forced him to follow. They entered the ship. The crew around them seemed on edge._

_"Just throw me in the goddamn brig and be done with it!"_

_The admiral chuckl__ed._

_"You're not far off, Lieutenant. Only you'll be guarding the brig. And one prisoner in particular."_

_They entered a dimly lit room. There was someone sitting on the chair in the far corner. As they came closer, she stood up._

_James knew her face from vids. From ads. From holos. It was notorious._

_The moment he looked at her now, however, he realized they captured her likeness, but not her essence, not who she was. It hit him much harder than a batarian's fist. Her character, the silent authority, the calm that wasn't stationary, but stemmed from being in control in every situation._

_She was captivating._

_"Commander... Shepard?"_

_Her hands were snapped in omni-cuffs and she was clearly exhausted, but she held herself up straight. She nodded to him, and looked slightly amused by his surprise. There was a wicked spark in her calm gray eyes, and a dangerous energy radiated from her slight figure. Even like this, her black hair disheveled and face dirty and scarred, he had to admit to himself that she is very attractive._

_"Shepard, this is Lieutenant James Vega."_

_That jerked him back to reality. Out of reflex, he saluted her._

_"Lieutenant, you will be guarding the Commander during her incarceration. She tends to attract trouble and danger – and, unfortunately, she is currently not allowed to carry a weapon."_

_Yeah, like she needs one, he thought._

_The glint in Shepard's eyes as they met his seemed to indicate that she's thinking the exact same thing._

_"You will be in charge of her security. Keep her safe!"_

_The intercom beeped._

_"Admiral, we're ready to depart."_

_Anderson turned to go._

_"I'll let you two get acquainted. You'll have plenty of time to chat back on Earth, so don't talk yourselves out."_

_The door clicked shut._


	4. Something else

_Shepard sat back down, eying him with some interest._

_"So..." she said, with unclear anticipation._

_He felt very uneasy. He realized it had been much easier to deal with the icon, the abstract concept of a hero. The human manifestation was more... complicated._

_Powerful. Raw._

_"There's a bathroom out back if you'd like to wash the blood off your face." His hand went to his temple, where the familiar crust of synthetic tissue and caked blood was beginning to crumble._

_"Yeah... thanks."_

_"No problem."_

_He began walking toward the door, but then something snapped in him. He turned back to her._

_"Commander. It's an honor to meet you. I, uh... I've watched your career. What you did. You're a damn hero. Just thought you should know."_

_She met his eyes sternly._

_"Are you sure, Lieutenant? You're talking to an officer relieved of duty, a prisoner facing multiple terrorism charges and accused of threatening galactic peace."_

_"Yeah. I guess... that's why I said that. All those assholes who think they run the galaxy have no idea what it's like to be on the front lines. To sacrifice and risk your life just because that's what you do. And I have a feeling nobody ever really told you, so I thought I'm gonna. You're a real hero. And we both know you don't need anyone's protection, but it's an honor to be guarding you anyway."_

_Her eyes sparkled._

_"Then I guess I should consider myself lucky. Will you be willing to smuggle in drugs and weapons?"_

_"Sure, as long as it's not a missile launcher. They're a pain to hide."_

_She laughed._

_"Only just met me and already calling me out on my jokes. You're something else, LT."_

_"Yeah, right back at ya. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to make myself presentable, there are important people around."_

_"It's just me and you, James."_

_"My point exactly, Commander."_

_He could hear her laugh as he rinsed the blood and dirt off his face, and his lips curved into a smile._

_She was definitely something else._


	5. Barbed wire

"Vega!"

The shuttle bay was dark and empty, most of the crew getting some well-earned rest. Cortez walked through the crates toward the light on James' work table. It was sharp and blinded rather than illuminated.

"James." Steve's voice grew softer as he saw his friend.

James was sitting on a crate, motionless, his glassy stare fixed ahead. A half empty tequila bottle stood on the ground in front of him.

Cortez walked over and sat next to him. Eventually he reached for the bottle and took a long draft.

"They found Anderson's body in the wreckage."

James lowered his head.

"Damn."

Cortez handed him the bottle.

"Do you wanna talk, James?"

Grunt. Silence. The light gave off a barely audible, annoying hum.

The darkness in the corners seemed to gather mass through contrast.

"Nah. Too raw."

His voice was hoarse, and it sounded like barbed wire tearing through flesh.


	6. Vacation

"_This is your place, Commander."_

_They walked into a large room overlooking the harbor. It was nicely furnished and airy, sunlight bounced off the fresh greenery on the terraces below._

"_Nice. Did you pick it?"_

_James chuckled._

"_Nah, I think that admiral Anderson assigned it. Or... someone on the committee. Dunno. Here, let me get that..."_

_She turned to him and he bent over her handcuffs, directing his omnitool to diffuse them._

"_Hey, just outta curiosity... How the hell did they catch you?"_

"_They didn't."_

_He looked up sharply, his face suddenly just inches away from hers. Their eyes met._

_James took a step back and cleared his throat._

"_Then how...?"_

_She rubbed her wrists and moved her stiff arms about._

"_I promised Hackett I'll turn myself in when my mission is done. So I did."_

"_Huh."_

"_What?" She gave him a crooked smile. "Like an idiot, yeah. You just lost every last bit of respect you had for me, didn't you."_

"_Nah." He shook his head. "The exact opposite, Commander. And it explains why you don't give a damn that you're in prison."_

_This time, she laughed for real._

"_Trust me, compared to what I had to do for the past couple weeks, prison is a welcome vacation."_


	7. Pain

Pain. Her head fell back and she wanted to scream, but there was no air in her lungs.

Pain. Okay. Keep calm.

Eyes. One was swollen beyond use.

Pain. The other one went either blind, or there was no light around.

There was no air.

She wondered why and how she even regained consciousness if there was no oxygen.

Pain.

Okay. Move.

She was lying on her back. The front of her face was a fragile crust over bare meat. The back of her skull was at least partly broken in. Right. Something blew up right in her face.

She moved her left hand and tried the medi-gel dispenser.

Yeah, right. She's been lucky, but not THAT lucky. Plus her armor and all the fancy extra hardware in it had been blown apart.

She turned over to her stomach and... gagged trying to scream. Her ribs were obviously busy playing mikado.

She knew she'll start blacking out in a little while. She still had no idea where the oxygen to sustain her came from, but it couldn't have been air.

Maybe some of her cybernetics got rattled and were shocking her system into action.

She really had no idea. She was no scientist.

"Adrenaline's better than oxygen any day."

James' voice in her head brought a smile to her lips – and a fresh load of pain as punishment for moving her massacred face.

Pain's good. Pain's adrenaline.

She crawled. The surface was surprisingly smooth. She might have been sliding along in a pool of her own blood. Her hands were numb – as well as most of her body. It was too preoccupied with the pain to feel anything.

She saw something. Her good eye glimpsed a flicker of light. She crawled a bit further.

She was lying on a massive glass window. She realized she must be in a part of the Citadel that remained slightly pressurized. She recognized the surface of a planet below her.

Earth.

It all came flooding back. The invasion. The final push. Harbinger. James. The conduit. The dead. The Illusive Man. Anderson. The Catalyst. The explosion. The energy must have torn the Citadel apart.

Which means...

She would have rolled onto her back and started laughing, if she could.

Of course, she survived Reapers and explosions, no biggie.

But no way in hell is she gonna survive re-entry in this piece of space rubble.

She's gonna burn in the sky like a shooting star.

Her consciousness began slipping away.

Great, she thought.

A faint glimmer of unidentified sadness stung her.

Well, bye...


	8. Scars

"_Hey, Lola!"_

_He did a great job sounding cheerful and careless. But he hated seeing her like this._

_When she was under guard back on Earth, during those days when she couldn't do anything about the state of the galaxy because they wouldn't let her, she became relaxed. The scars in her face healed and she was full of easy energy, always up for pranks and mischief during the few times he escorted her around. She became seriously beautiful during those six months – something she normally didn't get around to._

_Now, it was back to being who she was before. More fighting. More death, everywhere. More stress. More suffering. The scars became more prominent. Her face tensed up.  
Liara mentioned Shepard isn't sleeping well._

_Yeah, who would be..._

"_What's up, James?"_

_The spark was gone from her voice. While he still could hear that she recognized him for who he was, it was all business._

"_We're cracking up a bottle with Esteban tonight, if you'd like to unwind with us grunts down here. Bring a snack."_

"_Thanks, James. I'll see if I have time. I have reports to finish and we're deploying in an hour. We don't know when we'll be back ."_

"_Sure thing. Should I be ready?"_

_She gave him a surprisingly sincere smile._

"_Of course, James. I'm not going anywhere without my bodyguard."_


	9. Sunrise

"You know, Esteban, the worst thing about being locked inside a spaceship is that after you get wasted and stay up all night, you don't get to watch the sunrise all red-eyed and dizzy."

James sounded a little incoherent, but also much calmer. He's had some practice with deadening pain. His brain was swimming in a numb haze and he seemed too gone to feel anything at all.

They have been sitting on the floor for hours and were half-way through another bottle. Cortez held back – not because he was worried about getting too drunk, but because he knew that James needed massive amounts of alcohol to even get tipsy. His body burnt through it like fire through straw.

"Well," he propped himself up on one arm, "Lucky for you, we're not locked in here. Come on. It's about the right time."

"What?" James looked up, confused, with no inclination to move.

Cortez got up and grabbed his arm.

"Let's go." James didn't protest any further and leaned on Steve's shoulder as they made their way to the maintenance hatch at the back of the shuttle bay.

It was a pristine dawn, just the right amount of chilly and dusky to make the rising colors in the east seem more brilliant. It was mostly hills around and jungle below, and this world's sun was a little bluer and a little bigger. As it climbed over the horizon, the entire sky became a soft bluish white and the greenery around turned turquoise.

"Damn..." They both stared toward the horizon, as the foreign star climbed higher and a thick mist began rising from the jungle below. As it mingled with the first rays of sunlight, it became a veil of sparkling crystals, covering the rich carpet of green below.

It was breathtaking.

"She should have seen that." There it was again. Barbed wire tearing through flesh. "She deserves this more than anyone."

They were quiet, staring into the distance as the beauty around them began to evaporate into thin air.

Steve noticed that James was crying – not like other people, with sobs and wails and sniffs. It wasn't even his customary rage. He was too numb for rage. Grief, however, caught up with him again and tears ran down his motionless face, evaporating with the mist.

The first morning of a new age. Old heroes have been laid to rest – and new one's haven't yet risen.


	10. N7

"_There is not a single N7 that hasn't sacrificed, either themselves or their soldiers, at some point."_

_Her voice sounded heavy, hollow, packed with something dark and persistent. He wasn't sure whether she was trying to encourage or discourage him – or whether she was even talking to him at all anymore._

"_So... you think I should accept?"_

_She looked at him, long and hard and very serious, and he felt like standing on trial._

_Finally she spoke, in that matter-of-fact voice, but with a note of sincerity coming straight from the heart._

"_Assuming we survive this, that's a no-brainer. You're a damn good soldier, Vega, and an exceptional man. Don't waste this opportunity."_

_He came for advice, because she knew the N7 program. He forgot she also knows him. He was expecting some general insight, maybe a suggestion, but... not this. And he doubted she even realized what she said, and how it affected him. He felt his eyes dart around, anything to avoid hers._

"_I'll... think about it. Seriously." Oh you have no idea how much I'll think about it. "Hey, maybe... don't mention this to anyone?"_

"_Of course not."_

_He finally managed to look her in the eye and let all the turmoil and gratitude soak into a casual: "Gracias."_

_And then he couldn't bear the seriousness anymore. He was safe so long as things were kept light – as soon as she turned serious, he felt himself retreating from her against his will. He had no idea what he was afraid of, but he knew how to avoid it._

"_Well, I think I better get back to the hangar. Things around here are a little bit too soft for me."_

_She pretended to be insulted._

"_Hey! That bed's a lot harder than it looks."_

_A wicked grin crept over his face._

"_Are you flirting with me, Lola...?"_

_Her eyes sparkled. She crossed her arms and lifted her head – and a warning eyebrow. However there was the unmistakable smile on her lips._

_She always enjoyed his teasing._

_He put his hands up defensively._

"_I'm going, I'm going... Hey, if you're not busy later, we've been planning a poker night. See you in the lounge?"_

_Her smile faded. "Maybe. I have to sort through some intel and plan our next drop. The missions don't just magically work out, you know," she slid back into teasing, "I have to put some effort into that."_

_He pretended to bow._

"_And we all revere you for that, ma'am."_


	11. Debris

Earth's orbit was a busy place these days. The fleets were constantly working to rid the sky of the spoils of war. The pulse from the Crucible deactivated the Reapers, but it did nothing to make them disappear. They hung in space like giant dried-out bugs in old spiderwebs. Some were on crash trajectories, directed by external thrusters to fall onto empty land or ruins. Some were still in solid orbit, desolate corpses waiting to be scavenged by the tiny predators that caused their demise. And in between all that, between fragments of destroyed frigates, small fighters torn apart and the dead synthetics, there was a different kind of wreckage floating around.

The crumbled petals of the Citadel, sacrificed to save the races that met aboard it for centuries.

Some of the pieces were still rotating and shooting through space, but most have now crashed into Earth's atmosphere or were headed there in rapidly decaying orbit.

And since some of the wreckage was moving really fast, navigating the debris field was quite a challenge even for the experienced pilot.

"Woohoo!"

"Zaeed, could you please at least TRY to not get us all killed?"

"Yeah yeah, just sit down and enjoy the ride. What exactly are we looking for?"

Miranda grabbed one of the handles to steady herself as the mercenary pulled another crazy maneuver.

"Anything that looks like a part of the Citadel. Preferably a part you haven't seen before."

"What?"

"Just look for anything unfamiliar."

Another jolt threw her back against the wall.

"Seriously, Zaeed," Kasumi's voice rang from the back of the shuttle, "does this thing HAVE inertia dampeners?"

"Hell would I know!"

"Great. Can you find out? And if it does, USE them?"

"Burns too much juice. And we don't have to spare. This bird wasn't exactly ready to go when I took 'er – and we've been flyin' around for ages."

"Yeah, quit whining, princesses," Jack's voice came from another dark corner, where she was undoubtedly thrown by one of the jolts, "At least he's getting shit done."

"There," Samara's voice came from the co-pilot's seat. "That looks like an unfamiliar part of the Citadel."

They all rushed to the screen. Zaeed snorted.

"THAT's a part of the Citadel? Looks like a retarded metal aquarium."

Miranda looked doubtful.

"Could be... Can you take us in for a closer look?"

"Yeah, and fast, cowboy, that thing's ready to crash."


	12. The End

Another flash of consciousness. The pain was beginning to fade away, and she was peacefully aware of the fact that it was because her brain was falling into a coma. She now had no control over her body, and she way okay with that.

It had done more than enough. Hell, it had done the impossible. It pushed and screamed and saved her life, and by extension the lives of so many others, a million times.

It deserved to let go.

Her good eye was watching the cloudy surface of the atmosphere below as it drew nearer.

This was it. She was coming home. Back to Earth, after the battle has been won-

What...?

It was an annoying feeling, as if an insect was hovering right in between her eyes.

There was a small transport shuttle, beaten out of shape, drawing closer.

She knew she should do something. She knew she should alert them to her presence somehow. She knew this is her chance. Her survival reflexes tried to kick in.

Her body didn't respond.

She also knew she was dying, and there was nothing she could do.

She closed her eyes.

'There's only so much fight in a person. Only so much death you can take, before...'

A shiver ran through the surface below her, indicating the beginning of atmospheric re-entry.


	13. Despoina

"_Esteban! You loco?! What the hell are you thinking?!"_

"_You have a better idea?!"_

_James gave an angry groan and detonated a charging husk's head._

"_That thing is a piece of trash!"_

"_I'll give it a check before it gets anywhere near the water, I promise."_

_A rocket blasted a charging brute, ripping off it's claw arm and throwing it back. They turned around._

_Shepard was barely visible behind the stained glass. The mech slowly advanced towards them, shooting off rockets into the dwindling reaper forces._

_I bet she's enjoying this, thought James. But the idea of her jumping into the ocean locked in that thing made his blood run cold._

_She wouldn't..._

"_Looks like we're in the clear, Commander."_

_She fought to keep a straight face and her voice steady, even though she knew they can't see her._

"_Good. I need to get in the water before they come back."_

_James and Cortez exchanged glances._

"_Roger that. Walk the mech back to me when you're ready to dive. I should check it over first."_

_James shut off his radio._

"_We can't let her do that! Cortez! You listening to me?!"_

"_We're not letting her do anything. You think I'm happy about it? But she's the Commander around here. She makes the calls."_

_The mech stopped and the glass shielding creaked open._

_James walked straight up to her._

"_Shepard, you can't do that. It's suicide! You have no idea what's down there."_

_She knew that. She was terrified. She kept it to herself._

"_And I intend to find out." She jumped down from the seat and looked him directly in the eye. "You know we don't have a better plan, James. We've come too far to stop now. Besides, we have no exit strategy left. The only way home is through what's down there."_

_Cortez was walking around the mech rapidly, talking a little too fast to nobody in particular._

"_Seals check out. Pressure's good. Oxygen levels within range. Energy levels acceptable. All systems go... It's as ready as I can make it."_

_She moved to climb back into the seat._

"_Shepard!" James caught her arm._

_She resisted the urge to shake him off. She wanted to get it over with..._

_Instead she stepped back down and put a hand on his shoulder, drawing him closer, fixing his eyes with hers._

"_I'll be fine, James. I'll be back. I promise."_

_She turned away fast and climbed back up. She had to clench her teeth and flex her jaw very hard to keep her expression steady._

"_Closing hatch."_

_Two thuds and a splash._

_She was gone._


	14. Dead

"Lieutenant! What the hell do you think you're doing?"

His head felt like it was run over by a tank. He groaned and sat up.

"What...?" He was feeling a little disoriented.

"We have work to do! We need to get this ship operational and back for active duty, this isn't over! And you're asleep in the middle of the day with your work station looking like THIS?"

James was impressed. He had no idea Kaidan was capable of getting this pissed off. He rubbed his forehead and stood up.

"What's your problem, man?"

"MY problem?!" Kaidan's biotics actually flared up, and James instantly sobered. "We're in the middle of a crash landing on a foreign world, desperately needed with the rest of the fleet, with thousands of survivors back home waiting for us to come help them, and YOU think it's a great time to have a tequila party?!"

James felt adrenalin flood his veins. Every muscle in his body tensed, but his voice remained surprisingly quiet.

"Party? You think I was back there drinking... because I wanted to _party?_"

"I sure hope so! Because you're a marine, Vega, you should know better than to fall apart and pine like a school boy when you lose a girl!"

The fist came out of nowhere. It was a lightening fast explosion of every drop of emotion that flooded James since he realized she is gone. It caught Kaidan square in the jaw and sent him flying off to the side.

"YOU were pining! It wasn't me who actually fucked it up! It wasn't me who shut her down and failed her trust! I haven't lost her because I was an idiot and forced her to walk out on me! I lost her because she's dead! You get that? DEAD! Gone! And I'm not gonna apologize for trying to forget that. Don't compare yourself to me. EVER!"

He stormed toward the elevator.

Cortez helped Kaidan get up.

"You okay?"

Kaidan grunted. His head was spinning.

"I'm sorry. You have to go easy on him, Major. He's taking it pretty hard."

Kaidan was staring after James. He didn't even look angry anymore. Just startled.

"She's dead," he repeated.

His voice was completely empty.


	15. Keep calm and bring grenades

_She groaned quietly. Water was still dripping around her._

_She sat up and removed a piece of glass stuck in her arm._

"_Well... that went well," she shared with the emptiness next to her. Her eyes fell on the pistol that landed right next to her. "Huh. Aren't I lucky," she commented sarcastically and picked it up. Then she looked around. _

_A ladder. Great. Seriously, this is the twenty second century. They ever heard of stairs...?_

_Her comm crackled._

"_Lola, you there? You alive?"_

"_James. What a pleasant surprise. I'm fine. Just... swearing to god I'll never wear a dress again."_

"_Awww, come on, that would be a damn shame!"_

"_Hey, I don't see YOU with bare skin and covered in shattered glass, forced to climb down ladders!"_

"_Ouch. Sorry, Lola. Just an honest opinion. Where are you? Joker just got us the message."_

"_No idea." She slid down the ladder and started limping toward a warehouse exit. "Somewhere in the wards – and not the pretty storefronts, I'm down in the guts."_

"_Welcome to my world."_

_With a sour expression she watched a merc squad land just ahead._

"_Yeah, thanks. Just get your ass over here, will ya? I'm headed to a Cision skycar lot, but I'm not out of this yet."_

_She fired a few shots and sent a biotic blast ahead before charging._

"_On my way. How bad is it? It sounds like you're in a real shit storm down there."_

"_Just... keep calm and bring grenades!"_

"_Got it."_

_._

_She crept along the wall, straining her ears. She heard shouts; then an explosion. She peeked around the corner._

_James was standing in front of the Cision office, weighing another grenade in his hand. Two mercs were crouching behind a car, clearly out of ammo. She saw James lift his arm, spin out of cover – and she quickly disappeared back behind her corner._

_Another explosion._

_She walked out into the open and through the door separating them. James glanced at her, then turned back to check the rest of the room for more enemies._

"_Lola? 'Keep calm and bring grenades'? Seriously?"_

"_Why, Lieutenant, you have questions about your orders?"_

_He laughed._

"_Nah. As you can see, perfectly clear. Just... hilarious."_

_Satisfied with the situation, he turned back to her – and whistled quietly._

"_Well, just so you know, I stand by what I said earlier. You look smokin' hot in that dress."_

"_James? Focus, please?"_

"_Oh yeah, sure, no problem..." His voice trailed off._

"_James!"_

"_What! Oh," he turned back around and made his way toward the landing pad, "Right. Sure. Sorry. So... why'd you dress up for Joker like this?"_

"_Jealous, LT?"_

_She was teasing him, but within the space of one terrifying second he realized he actually is jealous. There was something horribly wrong with that, he knew. His face felt very cold and very hot at the same time. He was at a loss for words. And he knew she was beginning to notice..._

_He never would have believed how grateful he could be for a bunch of mercs in a C-sec shuttle firing machine guns at him._


	16. Rescue

"Son of a bitch!"

The entire shuttle was trembling like in fever. Everybody held on to anything they could reach. They were sinking down into the upper layers of the atmosphere and they all felt it.

But that wasn't why Zaeed swore.

They were situated just below the sinking piece of oddly shaped wreckage. It seemed very unfamiliar indeed, a strange shape made from a semi-translucent material. It had a large window-like space on the bottom.

A body was lying on it. It seemed to be pretty much just an immobile carcass covered in blood and grime, and it obviously took quite a beating.

However, it was lying on it's stomach. And they all clearly saw the N7 logo on it's chest.

"Goddess. We found her."

Miranda snapped into action.

"Come on, let's move!"

Zaeed threw his arms up.

"What do you wanna do? The temperature outside's gonna fry you! Plus this thing doesn't even have an airlock!"

Jack smashed her fist into the wall.

"Fuck, we gotta do something!"

Kasumi spoke up very cautiously.

"You know, guys, I know it's hard, but she's most likely already dead."

Miranda turned to her, a faint blue glow forming around her.

"And you are willing to throw away Shepard based on a '_most likely_'?"

Kasumi shook her head.

"No. Of course not."

"Good."

The trembling became more violent.

"Hey, cheerleader, I got a plan. There's two badass biotics on board. We can make a barrier instead of an airlock. But you'd have to be fast."

Samara considered for a moment.

"That is feasible. Only I see no way to get into the wreck."

Jack snorted.

"Yeah, like that's gonna be a problem. Come on!" The justicar got up.

"Are you sure you can do this?"

"Shut up. Of course not. But you are. Hold the barrier, I'll blast a way in."

"Watch out!" Zaeed shouted. They were descending rapidly to keep aligned with the wreck. It was heating up, the material beginning to glow. Its interior began filling with smoke.

"Shit! She's baking! Come on!"

Samara stepped forward.

"Open the hatch."

For a moment, they were all engulfed by the tickling sensation of manipulated matter. Then, the roar of atmospheric re-entry became a faint hum, separated from them by a thick vacuum shell. It engulfed the shuttle, the window, and held.

Zaeed piloted the shuttle sideways toward the wreck.

Jack charged.

But instead of blasting the glass (and hurling the helpless body against the opposite wall), she sucked the matter in towards her.

"Watch out, princesses," she shouted as the solid glass pane collapsed towards them. She made the giant chunks of glass rain around her and smash into the wall at the back.

She caught Shepard's body and fell against the wall with it.

"Closing hatch!"

As the barrier caved in and collapsed, the noise around them became deafening again.

Shepard lay on the floor.

Burnt, smashed, broken.

No pulse.

They crouched around her, feeling... numb. Spent. Samara was still breathing hard. Jack leaned back against the wall and closed her eyes.

"Fuck..."

Kasumi drew her knees in and rested her chin on them, uncharacteristically silent.

"I've got to set us down," Zaeed shouted from the cockpit.

Miranda ignored them all. She purposefully walked over, knelt next to Shepard and began scanning the body with her omnitool.

Jack opened her eyes.

"What the fuck are you doing. She's dead."

Miranda shrugged, and kept scanning.

"So?"

Kasumi let out a quick, surprised breath. Jack kept staring. Samara knelt beside her, quick and tense.

"Can you do it?"

Miranda shrugged again, intent on the task at hand, not lifting her head.

"I have no idea. But I still have most of the project data. I'm sure Hackett will lend us some of the Crucible scientists.

I'd be an idiot not to try."


	17. Showdown

"_Hey Lola! Nice place." He grinned. "Might not look as nice after throwing that party..."_

_She looked up from her report. _

"_You wouldn't trash my new apartment, would you, James?"_

"_Me?! Naaah... never!"_

"_Of course not..."_

_He walked up the stairs and joined her in front of the impressively large windows._

"_Huh. Nice view." He hesitated a bit. "But... this place, it's so not what I'm used to."_

_She put the report down. He piqued her interest._

"_Which is?"_

_He smiled a little._

"_I grew up on a beach on the Pacific. So, you know... water, sand. Real air."_

"_You miss it?"_

_His eyes dropped a bit._

"_Yeah. And the people..."_

_There were a few seconds of silence._

"_So... what's her name?"_

_He laughed out, sincerely, and leaned onto the railing._

"_No! No. I stopped... fraternizing, when I joined the military. The two don't seem to go well together."_

_Even as he was saying it, he felt he was trying to persuade himself that that was the truth._

"_Hasn't stopped you from being a shameless flirt."_

_The smirk on her face made him laugh, but he was feeling increasingly uneasy._

"_Yeah, well, that's just my way. I don't mean anything by it, Lola."_

_He also saw her becoming barely visibly disappointed. What...?_

"_Too bad."_

_He felt the urge to diffuse the situation with humor. Again._

"_Hah! Who's the shameless flirt now?"_

_It didn't work._

"_So you can give it, but you can't take it?"_

_She was being much more serious than he'd like. He straightened his back up and looked her in the eye._

"_No, that's not... I just – you're my Commander, por dios!"_

_He wouldn't be able to say exactly when he realized he liked her. To people around them, it might have been obvious for a while – but there usually wasn't that many people around when they talked. Right now, however, he knew he had to admit it at least to himself; to face the facts and fight it. He still couldn't put his finger on it, but it was wrong. Out of place. Like... light years out of place._

_She forced a little laugh, possibly as an attempt to lighten the mood. It failed, disastrously._

_He was beginning to feel like an idiot again._

"_I can't tell whether you're yanking my chain or not anymore!" He nearly shouted._

_She got the hint. After a short period of heavy silence, she asked: "You really haven't been with with anyone since enlisting?"_

"_Well... nothing serious." He looked at her, warily. "But I'm still flesh and blood, if you know what I mean."_

_She looked back at him._

_She had a million perfect comebacks right at the tip of her tongue, but every single one of them was too high-risk at that moment. And he was standing there right in front of her, and suddenly, she realized that he wasn't just a good marine, and a friend, and a perfect body – oh yeah, she noticed – but he was also... something else. An anchor. A drive. Someone who's been pulling her along just as much as she's been pulling him._

_He's also been pulling her toward him, casually, gradually, and she realized that most of the teasing she did was not for fun, but to actually get closer._

_And it clearly wasn't working – quite drastically. She desperately fumbled for an explanation._

"_So... you just don't like what you see?"_

_Her voice was so impossibly real. She wasn't going through detours and teasing anymore – she was standing there completely honest. Shields down._

_The absurdity of what she was saying hit him in the face._

"_What?! No! That's loco. You're... totally... I mean, you're gorgeous, Lola."_

_It was his turn to sound completely sincere. She took a step towards him._

"_Then... what's the problem, James? What would it take to convince you?"_

_Her face was just a couple inches away. Serious. Gorgeous indeed. Her gray eyes watching him anxiously. His gaze wandered to the scars on her cheek. He felt the irresistible urge to touch them. To make them disappear again, like when they were going nuts and playing tricks in the committee lounge back in Vancouver..._

_His discipline, the instinctive control that ran his military day-to-day, yanked him back into battle mode. He was backed into a corner, and he had no choice but to fight back_

"_For starters I'd need to forget that you are Commander Shepard."_

_Silence. Her face didn't move._

_She felt her mind jolted in shock, exploded and shattered. Shields went back up. Her self-defense mechanisms instantly emptied her mind of every shred of emotion._

_Battle mode._

"_I see."_

_She moved away and crossed her arms – not in that authoritative way she usually did. Her shoulders were drawn in – she curled up and in and away._

"_Now... what did you need when you came here?" Her voice was ice-cold._

_Shit. If I take my shirt off in front of her now, I'll feel like the world champion of idiocy. The tattoo can wait._

"_I think I better go, Commander."_

_Her face was completely blank._

"_Okay."_

_He turned around and walked out. As he was nearing the elevator, it suddenly slammed into his consciousness like a charging krogan. He groaned – aloud._

_He just shot down the most incredible, interesting and badass woman in the galaxy, and made her think that that was exactly why he did it. He had to, of course he had to! Did he...? Who the hell – apart from Alliance regs – says he had to?_

_The elevator door closed._

_He punched the wall as hard as he could._

"_Fuck."_


	18. Take-off

Garrus looked doubtfully at the patched hull.

"Are you sure about this?"

"Garrus, please," Tali sounded irritated, "I have been fixing ships since I was a teenager."

"That's not that long ago, if I remember correctly."

The quarian hissed with annoyance.

"You know what, Vakarian? Next time we crash land, you can be in charge of the repairs. But right now, I'm telling you that ship will hold! She can handle FTL. Probably wouldn't survive a mass relay – but I hear that shouldn't be an issue right now. We're ready to go, and I KNOW what I'm talking about!"

Garrus shrugged and walked away. He was in no mood to argue.

It has been over a week, during which the Normandy had come together – nothing pretty to look at, of course, and visibly beaten, but space-worthy. The inside was tidied up and all the systems were functioning again.

The same couldn't be said for the crew. They did their jobs exceptionally well – but only because they knew no other way. They were all distracted, irritable, out of focus. Their hearts weren't in it.

Joker barely said a word to anyone, spent most of his time alone in the cockpit making necessary adjustments and reconfiguring a large number of automated tasks, assigning them back to manual control.

And sighing. A lot.

Kaidan looked like he was sleepwalking. He interacted with the crew perfectly and gave exactly the orders he was needed to give, but it wasn't him. It was as if a very advanced VI took over his body. His heart was dead.

After the clash with Kaidan, James simply kept himself drunk most of the time – just enough to be emotionally numb while still being able to do his job. The Major avoided him whenever possible.

They were all functioning out of necessity, kept in motion by habit.

They were waiting.

And when that day finally came, and the engines were primed, hatches closed and course set – only then did they begin waking up. One by one, they refocused their eyes, acknowledged their surroundings, nodded to their friends. One by one, they gathered on the crew deck for take-off.

"Joker?" Traynor's voice rang through the intercom.

"Yeah?"

"Did you open the manual channel for the galaxy map? It keeps blocking me out."

"Oh. Yeah. Forgot about that one. Sorry." Sigh. "There."

"Great. Thank you. Okay, Major, coordinates set, we are now ready for take-off."

"Thank you, Specialist. Joker?"

"Yeah?"

"Fire her up."

"Aye aye."

The Normandy's soft hum slid them into motion and the lush, bluish planet fell off the the soles of their feet.

.

"There's something else," Kaidan turned to the rest of the crew, "Something we should take care of to... move on. Follow me."

There was a name plaque in his hand. The crew tentatively followed, one by one they left the mess hall.

Cortez looked over his shoulder.

"James. You coming?"

James was leaning against a wall, his arms crossed in front of him.

"Nope."

Cortez stopped and looked at him questioningly. James shrugged.

"I don't need to rub it in. I'll move on when I move on. I don't need a ceremony to know what happened. You go, Esteban. I'm fine."

Now Cortez shook his head.

"No, you're right. What's the point? It was her, after all, who showed me that when something's gone, it's gone. Grand gestures and goodbyes are a silly self-indulgence."

"You needed her to teach you that, huh?"

"Yeah – and you could've used that lesson yourself, Vega. I believe a week on a tequila trip would count as self-indulgence."

The marine shrugged.

"So what? I know what I need."

Cortez laughed.

"That you do."

He leaned against the wall next to him.

"What will you do when we get back?"

"I think I'll ask to be transferred home. There's gotta be work there, the big cities were hit hardest. And I could use a leave from the Normandy. Get some distance, get some air. Sort through it all.

It's been quite a ride, but I think it's time to go."

Then he gave a snort of contempt.

"Plus I really don't want to have to pass by that stupid memorial wall every time I wanna have a snack."


	19. Human

_The hangar bay was quiet, sleepy, empty. It was just him and Cortez, who was fiddling around the Kodiak's thrusters again._

_The air was heavy. Something was weighing down on them all, an ominous atmosphere of things to come._

_James was bent over his work table, getting more and more frustrated with his shotgun. There was a god-awful, sturdy piece of SOMETHING lodged in between the barrels, and he strongly suspected it was a piece of skin from the ravager he charged back down on Thessia. Ugh, disgusting, get off - my shotgun - you little - piece - of junk..._

_There was someone standing next to him. He nearly jumped._

"_Commander! How long have you been standing there?"_

_She wasn't facing him, but standing shoulder to shoulder with him – only about three feet further than usual. Her eyes were distant, thoughtful, she was watching his hands on the weapon._

_They haven't spoken since that disastrous talk in Anderson's apartment._

_She shrugged._

"_A few minutes."_

_He put the weapon down._

"_Uh... so, how are you feeling?"_

"_Like shit."_

"_Right..."_

_He cast his glance down on the dirty shotgun. They fought. Shit, they fought so hard..._

_He turned to her._

"_Shepard, it's not your fault. We did all we could."_

_Her jaw tensed up._

"_Not good enough. Thessia's lost and that's on me. Leng's got the data and that's on me. It's all on me."_

"_You have to cut yourself some slack. Hell, nobody could've predicted Cerberus being there!"_

"_What?! Of course I should've! That's bullshit. They've been interfering every step of the way! Of course I should've been expecting them there!"_

_Her voice dropped and she clenched her fists._

"_Only I didn't. See?" She took a step towards him and looked him defiantly in the eye. "I make mistakes. I fuck up. Big time. I'm just like any other marine. Messing up what I can at the most critical times. I'm no hero! Hell, I'm no leader! I do what I do because – that's just what we do! We know we have to. And that's it. That's all there is-"_

_Her voice broke off. She was staring at him, her face hard and worn, the scars on her cheeks becoming open fissures. He could see the metal and blood-red scar-tissue inside. Her eyes were bloodshed and glistening._

_She needs you, Vega. Just look at her, you idiot..._

_He took a step closer. She was looking him in the eyes and this time, her voice came out quiet and small, like a blade being dragged over concrete._

"_I'm only human, James. Like you."_

"_Hey... hey. I know that. I know."_

_Her gaze slid down to the floor and she shrugged her shoulders lightly._

"_So...?"_

"_So that's what makes you so incredible, Lola."_

_She looked back up. There she was again, shields down, but this time not out of trust, but because she had nothing more to lose. They stood there, inches apart, stares locked, both too confused with themselves and with each other to speak._

_The intercom beeped._

"_Hey, Commander? ETA to Horizon 25 minutes."_

_Her eyes didn't shift at all, but her shoulders straightened and her face relaxed slightly._

"_Copy, Joker. Tell Garrus to get ready."_

_She stepped closer, as if she wanted... She changed her mind. She turned to leave._

"_Thanks, James. Get ready."_


	20. Faith

_' "Why put me in charge of all this?"_

"_You can pay a soldier to fire a gun. You can pay him to charge the enemy and take a hill._

_But you can't pay him to believe._

_When you went up against Sovereign, there was no good reason to believe you'll win. But your crew didn't seem to care. They went along anyway. Your trip through the Omega-4 relay? That was a suicide mission if there ever was one. Yet there your crew was, standing beside you, proud to serve. Why?_

_Because they believed in you." '_

.

The K-11 was a top-secret research facility in Arizona, located underground near the northern border. The top-secret factor may have been what caused Hackett to raise an eyebrow when Miranda asked him for access when she came to see him at the headquarters.

But it only took two sentences to get the admiral on board.

"We found Shepard. We can save her."

"What do you need?"

"The K-11 facility would be a start. Any scientists you can spare that specialize in medicine, bio-engineering, cyber-engineering – and resources. A lot of resources."

"You'll get them. Lawson, get it done. The people of the galaxy got their victory – Shepard deserves hers as well."

Since then, a small army of scientists gathered at the facility to recreate the most daring experiment – resurrection.

They kept it quiet. Because, Miranda thought restlessly as she was walking along the corridor towards the medical center, who knows what kind of enemies Shepard had? However incredible it might seem to them, there actually could be people out there who were happy she was gone. And Miranda wasn't about to give them the slightest chance to ruin her plan.

She entered the main laboratory. Shepard was lying behind the glass window on an operating table. She looked like a body in the middle of an autopsy – dead and dissected, with four doctors in full-body suits working over her simultaneously.

"Where are we at?"

"We got the heart going. It was fairly easy, actually. The implants that were already in place remained largely intact and saved us months of work. It was basically just like restarting a machine – after making minor repairs. She wasn't dead long when you found her, according to the data you provided she is in much better shape than at the beginning of the Lazarus project – much less radiation damage, much shorter period of oxygen deprivation, no sub-zero temperature damage.

But even though we were able to get the cybernetics going, we haven't had much luck with the regenerative processes – we have to stimulate everything artificially. And for as long as she remains brain-dead, that's not likely to change. We removed most of the dead tissue and are growing grafts where necessary, those seem to be taking well. But... she won't be able to do this again, Ms. Lawson. Her body is overtaxed dealing with the implants, there will be further strain to integrate the grafts into the system and, well, there's only so much a body can take before it affects the personality in it. Which, of course, we haven't even gotten back yet..."

"We'll do it. Do we have everything we need?"

The doctor shook his head.

"Not by a long shot. We're missing most of the specialized equipment and, well, we have no hopes of getting it conventionally. It's the main reason why we haven't been able to get the natural processes going – we just don't have the means to synthesize the crucial substances or the hardware to put them to use."

Miranda activated her comm.

"Goto?"

Something moved at the back of the room and Kasumi appeared behind her.

"Are you talking to me?"

Miranda turned around.

"If you have been listening the whole time, what are you still doing here?"

"I was trying to scan the console for the list of missing equipment. But I guess now you could just upload it to me...?"

She gave a nod to the doctor.

"All done. Make it fast."

"Like I ever work slow."

She disappeared again. Miranda turned back towards the operating room.

"Ms. Lawson."

"Yes."

"There is a good chance that her brain will not respond at all. During the Lazarus project, the brain was saved by introducing the cybernetics that are now present – but there has been no natural brain activity at all since restarting them. The artificial tissue connected directly to the implant is firing when we stimulate it, but the rest of the brain isn't responding."

Miranda stared at Shepard's deadly white face. Maybe she's just too exhausted. Maybe she's had enough and... doesn't want to wake up?

"I know. But we'll keep trying until we run out of options."

She looked him in the eye and her voice was on fire.

"And when we do, we'll come up with other options. She didn't give up on us, no matter how hopeless the situation was.

I intend to return the favor."


	21. We could be dead tomorrow

_The party was finally beginning to pick up speed – and volume. Traynor's drinks were the main reason. They were large, colorful and very strong. The exact thing needed by a group of over-taxed specialists about to head into the biggest battle in galactic history._

_The music and the alcohol were perfectly designed to gradually overshadow the feeling of insecurity, fear and blind determination they were all trying to suppress._

_James was sitting with Cortez at the bar, watching Wrex and Grunt do some impressive head butting. Cortez shook his head._

"_I hope I never have to prove myself to a krogan. I'd walk away with the worst concussion of my life."_

"_I heard Lola head-butted a krogan once."  
Cortez laughed._

"_Yeah, I heard that too - from Grunt, so I guess it's even true." He looked over his shoulder. "Where is she anyway?"_

_James shrugged._

"_Dunno. Saw her in front of the fireplace earlier. This doesn't seem to be her thing exactly."_

_Cortez gave him a long look._

"_Maybe you should do something about that. She deserves to relax more than any of us."_

"_What am I supposed to do about it?"_

"_Are you kidding me? You're the guy that makes her laugh whatever the situation. You're the guy she goes to talk to when things go sideways. And you yourself told me about how much fun she was when off duty – that wasn't just her, Vega, that was 'cause you were there with her. Now I don't know what crazy twisted logic you use to convince yourself that you shouldn't be there for her, but I think you should get over it for once and at least talk to her, crack some jokes, make her remember a better time._

_You owe her that."_

_James stared at his beer._

"_I guess so."_

_He got up._

"_I'll be back."_

"_Take your time."_

_._

_She was sitting on the couch on the upper level, where it was slightly quieter. It was just her and Samara, meditating in the corner. She sneaked in a fleet report and was going through it. She couldn't stop worrying. Her face was tense and the scars started hurting – that hasn't really happened before. She knew she should try to relax, but it felt so irresponsible and wrong..._

"_No way."_

_James' voice jerked her from her thoughts. He sat down next to her and uncompromisingly took the data pad from her._

"_You're supposed to be relaxing, Lola."_

_She let out a frustrated little sigh._

"_I know, but I can't. There's so much at stake, if a single aspect of the mission tomorrow goes bad, it's..."_

"_Hey. Look at me." His eyes were serious, but warm, calming. "Forget about the mission. You need to let go. Being all worked up about it is not gonna do any good. Just... lean back and just be for a while, okay? For me."_

_She obeyed. She relaxed her neck, let her head fall back and closed her eyes._

_She could feel the warmth of James' presence next to her, and even though it calmed her down, a dose of sadness also washed over her._

_She spoke quietly._

"_James."_

"_Hmmm?"_

"_I just want to tell you that I get it. Sometimes we can think we are perfect for someone. We can think that they are the most amazing person in the world. That we have a unique bond that will survive anything._

_But that doesn't necessarily mean it's true, or that the other person feels like that as well. I get it. I'm sorry I pressured you. I'm glad you're still around."_

_James watched her face – serious, worn, sharp, perfect._

_His voice had a little trouble coming out._

"_Yeah, sure. No problem."_

_He felt like hitting his head against a wall. Repeatedly._

_._

_The party was at it's zenith, and Cortez had to move the bar to the kitchen, because the bar itself had become a war zone, where the krogan, Garrus and Javik fought for survival in a land invaded by the cruel race of empty bottles._

_Shepard leaned against the counter next to him and watched the shots smash into the unfortunate invaders._

"_Hey Steve. Enjoying the show?"_

"_Better than the vids, Commander." He smiled. "I thought about telling them that they'll have to clean it up tomorrow, but it seemed too cruel."_

_She laughed._

"_Speaking of cleaning up, Shepard – did you and James finally work it out?"_

_She looked at him sharply, considering how much he knew – and then resigned, realizing he probably knew more than James and her together._

"_You know how it is. We're marines. We keep our own interests second and everybody else's first. It's just not a good idea. And maybe it's simplynot right, you know. Anyway, we have bigger things to worry about."_

_Cortez watched her for a while, then he smiled._

"_Okay. That's ridiculous. And you know it, Commander."_

"_Steve..." She looked at her hands. "He's just not interested. Nothing I can do."_

_Cortez laughed out loud._

"_Not interested? Wow. Good one." He slapped her shoulder._

"_Don't worry, Commander, I may be no front-line soldier, but I got this one."_

_He was gone before she could protest._

_._

_Steve walked upstairs and pulled the dancing James a little ways away into a corner._

"_Vega, just one question. It's tomorrow. We're on the mission. A brute has you by the neck, about to smash your face in. What's the one thing you regret not doing?"_

_James was fairly drunk by this point – and not happily drunk either. Cortez dragging him from the dance annoyed him, but he also couldn't help answering his question in his head._

"_It's... not that easy, Esteban."_

"_It was VERY easy – before you choked and started coming up with all the bullshit excuses. You know she needs you. You are one of the very few people who actually know her, know the person wearing Commander Shepard. Don't let that uniform put you off. You know how you feel. And if you don't, I swear I will make you get drunker and drunker until you finally get it."_

_James swallowed and said nothing._

"_Vega, anything could happen tomorrow. Is this really something you're willing to pass up?"_

_._

_The apartment grew dark and quiet, most lights were out and the rest was dim. The crew had fallen asleep in various places, Glyph shut down._

_The darkness curled lazily about._

_It seemed very cold._

_She walked out of her bathroom and out onto the balcony. The neons outside kept flaring, but they too seemed... blind._

_It will be over tomorrow, she thought, one way or another that heaviness will shatter and maybe, just maybe, she will be able to breathe again. Free of the worry. Free of the fear._

_Free of everything and everyone._

_She felt her eyes burn. She let out a soft sigh._

_It will be a relief to get away..._

_Tears rolled down her cheeks, silently. She shook again. It really was cold..._

_A pair of strong arms slid around her waist and gently pressed her into a warm, firm body behind her. She felt lips brushing against her ear._

"_Lola."_

_She closed her eyes. She wanted to get lost in it, but she couldn't._

"_James...?" There were too many questions to voice._

_He kissed her cheek and her neck before answering._

"_We could both be dead tomorrow."_

_She turned around. Yeah, he was drunk. Maybe that's why his eyes looked so honest. He pulled her back towards him, his hand sliding into her hair, his lips finding hers._

_She felt as if she were having a hot bath, a massage and a mild dose of sedative at the same time. Her entire body seemed to melt from the inside out. She wrapped her arms around his neck. His body became all there was – powerful, invincible, there to hold her up in a weak moment._

_He was there for her._

_Finally._


	22. San Diego

His city welcomed him back unquestioningly and with a dose of that jolly harshness he remembered.

There was enough to do. The military had two main jobs in areas of higher population density. First, locate survivors and transport them to safe-zones. Second, establish critical infrastructure to provide them with shelter, provisions and health care. It was rewarding to see the scattered, traumatized community come back together and work to create an environment to sustain them. Much more rewarding than killing would be in a world devastated to this degree. There were, of course, the occasional scavengers inclined to take advantage of the situation, but the marines dealt with those quickly and harshly. There was no room for selfishness.

Part of the critical infrastructure was naturally a military base and, as a part of that, there was a bar.

Yes, he was busy and kept it together. And it has been months. But he still preferred the company of the bottle to that of the other marines. It was simply easier. Most of the other men lost and sacrificed their own share, but they usually dealt with it in a very noisy fashion when off duty. The bar was never quiet.

Which is why James looked up with interest when suddenly the atmosphere became all hushed.

"Lieutenant Vega."

Miranda Lawson was walking towards him. She walked with purpose, but her eyes were a little shifty. She sat down at his table. With the only woman in the room apparently occupied with someone else, the volume jumped back to it's original level.

He looked at her questioningly.

"Lawson. What brings you here?"

"I have... something to tell you. I need you to stay calm and let me finish before you react."

Not a single muscle moved in his face.

"I'm listening."

"We managed to recover Shepard's body. It has been in intensive care since then. We attempted to reproduce the Lazarus project. But..." she lowered her gaze, "we haven't been entirely successful. We managed to restore the body and it's processes, but not brain activity.

I'm sorry."

His throat was impossibly dry. His voice rasped.

"So why are you telling me?"

Miranda looked nervous.

"I know it just seems... cruel. But believe me, I thought long and hard on it, and, well... it seemed to me you have a right to know. I thought you might want to see her before we shut down life support. I can take you there."

James was still sitting there, paralyzed. He was breathing hard, like he had the wind knocked out if him.

He didn't say anything.

"James," Miranda spoke softly. "Do you want to go?"

He looked at her, his eyes completely helpless.

He nodded.


	23. Cold light of morning

"_Lola."_

_It was still dark, and his whisper was the only sound in the silence._

_So very close._

_She lifted her head from where it was resting on his chest._

"_James."_

_She was finally calm. The strain from her face was gone as well as the pain._

"_I think I'm sobering up."_

_She smiled in the dark._

"_Uh-oh."_

"_Yeah. I think I need another shot of that drug you have there..."_

_She laughed as he drew her nearer and ran his lips over her bare skin._

"_Help yourself..."_

_As he grabbed her and lay her down on her back, she slid one hand in his hair and pulled him closer._

_She felt pretty intoxicated herself._

_._

_She woke up into the cold light of another day. She felt James next to her, radiating warmth. She smiled before opening her eyes._

_Her smile froze._

_He was lying there with his eyes open. Sober. His look was somewhere between cold and terrified._

_She kissed him on the shoulder._

"_Hey."_

_He looked at her and smiled nervously._

"_Hey, Lola."_

_He turned to her and lightly ran his hand over her shoulder._

"_Hey, maybe... we shouldn't mention this again?"_

_She knew it was coming when she saw his expression before. She still had to fight hard to keep it together._

"_Okay."_

_He kissed her._

"_Appreciate it."_

_He got up and in a few moments, was gone._


	24. Goodbye

_'Tell me: were you born to burn in this war?_

_Or were you born and meant to be mine?_

_And when there's nothing left to fight for_

_will you come back to see if I'm fine?'_

.

Miranda walked into the laboratory with James in tow.

"Any progress?"

The doctor gravely shook his head.

"No. We're getting the basic activity generated by the implant, nothing else."

James was staring through the glass.

"Doctor, take him inside."

The doctor looked at James and got up.

"Follow me."

He walked him through a decontamination corridor and prep area and opened the door to the operating room.

"Take as much time as you want. And... we're truly sorry."

James walked into the room. He heard the door close behind him.

Shepard was lying on the operating table, covered with a white sheet.

He took her hand into his. It was warm, soft. Alive.

Her face was pale, and there were new scars running along her jaw and down her neck.

He felt his lips move into a crooked smile.

"See? You're still gorgeous. Even after being dead twice..."

His throat was a little tight and he felt his eyes begin to burn. He was looking at her for the last time – and this time, he was determined not to mess it up. He had one more chance to say his last goodbye. How many people get a chance to redo theirs?

"Lola. I feel like an idiot talking to a brain-dead body, but what the hell – it's you, you can probably hear me anyway.

They're gonna make you die again in a little while – because you're too stubborn to wake up."

He felt the first tears sting his eyes.

"I get it. I really do. I should've given you more to look forward to. I don't know what happened. But... I get it. After all you've been through, you've earned the right to decide when to go. Regardless of what the rest of us think..."

His tears were flowing freely now, and his voice was husky and choked.

"I... did think ahead. I never told you, but I thought about the war being over. I looked forward to some shore-leave, maybe heading to a beach with you – back home, where we keep it real. You would've liked it. The sun, warm nights, the ocean always right there. Simple. Easy.

I felt so guilty about it, like I was doing something behind your back. I didn't wanna tell you."

He wiped off his face and took a deep breath.

"You go, Lola. I get it. I just wish I could have done a better job of being... dunno. Being there. I feel really stupid about that. About all those times I choked and ran. It took me ridiculously long to get it together, I know.

Too long."

He bent down and kissed her forehead.

"Bye, Lola. After all, you always knew what you were doing. You'll kick some ass up there. You'll be fine."

He took one last look at her, his eyes now dry and red. He set her hand down and walked out.

"Thanks, Miranda. I better go." His voice was completely raw.

She looked at him and nodded.

He walked out.

Miranda sat at the control panel, staring. Seconds flew by, then minutes. Her fingers were resting on the switch, but she was unable to move them.

She hated giving up. There must be some other options, something they forgot, something...

"You know we have to." Kasumi appeared next to her. "There's a time to let go."

Miranda shook her head.

"I know. But... she never failed us. Not once. No matter what it cost her. She always came up with a plan.

It feels so wrong to give up on her."

They sat in silence. Petrified.

There was a beep from one of the machines.

A couple seconds silence.

Another beep.

They looked up.

There was a spike on the graph on the screen.

Then nothing.

"What –"

Another spike, another beep.

Kasumi jumped up and opened the door.

"Doc, get in here!"

Miranda was staring at the graph.

"Unbelievable..."

Suddenly all the machines' alarms went off. Warnings and notifications filled the room with a chaos of sound. Miranda felt her pulse quicken.

"Doctor, we have brain activity!"

The doctor rushed in.

"Not just brain activity, Ms. Lawson." He pointed to one of the screens. "She's waking up!"


	25. Shut up

_The fleets were drawing closer to Earth. It seemed painfully slow, while everybody's hearts were racing. Blood seemed to run quicker. Air seemed to be thinner._

_Everybody knew, though nobody said it._

_Whatever happened, this was the end. The end of an era._

_The galaxy will never be the same._

_Shepard stood on the bridge, battle ready, alone, looking through the open shutters at the gigantic bodies of the Reapers moving to form a wall between them and Earth._

_This was it._

_She didn't feel a thing._

_She hadn't felt a thing since that morning._

_She was ready for anything._

"_Lola."_

_Okay, not that._

_Feeling surprisingly irritated, she spun around._

"_What." she asked curtly._

_He walked up to her._

"_I think I messed up."_

_Her eyes narrowed._

"_You THINK?"_

_Joker called to her from the cockpit._

"_Commander! ETA for shuttle deployment 8 minutes."_

"_Thanks, Joker. Confirm that Garrus and Javik are ready, okay?"_

_She turned back to James. He was looking at her with shock._

"_You have to be kidding me, Shepard."_

"_Oh yeah? Why?"_

"_Retaking Earth? I'm coming with you!"_

"_No." Her face was stone hard._

"_Why?!"_

"_Because," she moved toward him, until their faces were only inches apart, and lowered her voice, "I need someone I can trust out there. I need someone who's proud to stand next to me no matter what. I need someone who's not gonna walk out on me because he changed his mind!"_

"_Hey, not fair! When have I ever done that on the battlefield?"_

"_Life IS a battlefield! Every day is a fight! It doesn't matter whether we're fighting for survival, money or to get the person we love. And today, I'm done fighting for anything else but Earth."_

_She moved away from him._

_James' face grew hard. Determined._

"_Well I'm not, Commander."_

"_Just... shut up, James."_

_James lowered his eyes, just for a second._

"_I wasn't gonna say anything."_

_With two quick steps, he covered the distance she put in between them. He pulled her close and kissed her._

_Right there on the bridge._

_._

_Joker was looking over his shoulder, a smile of disbelief on his face._

"_Hey, Cortez," he called into the comm._

"_Yeah?"_

"_I owe you 50 bucks."_


	26. Instinct

There are neural pathways in our brains that have been conditioned to be more sensitive to stimulus. That conditioning could have happened through a positive or negative trauma, like intense pain or intense happiness, or through a combination of both. In this specific case the body does not react by becoming numb to these stimuli – on the contrary, it refines the specific neural pathways that carry this sensory input so that we will be able to recognize even faint signals and respond in time to prevent the drastic consequences it has had on our body or mind in the past.

As long as our sensory organs are working, it does not matter what state our brain is currently in. As soon as the sensory organ recognizes the flagged signal, it sets off what we'd call an emergency override, sending a pulse along that neural pathway – and making it a powerful one.

Our brains are, after all, electricity at its finest.

.

Something was jolting the silence and the darkness. Vividly red streaks flashed in it. She expected to slip back into the cool, comforting oblivion, but... no.

It went on and on. Finally, from the immaterial, agitated chaos, thoughts began emerging.

On some level, she realized she was waking up.

No recollection of why, where or, most importantly, from what.

However, to a trained N7, the circumstances rarely matter. They know that there is nothing more precious to a marine than survival – whatever they may feel, whatever they may want, if they get a chance to get back up and fight, they take it.

All that was obviously not a coherent thought. But it all boiled down to the self-preservation instinct that kicked in again.

And this time, it had a fully functional body to work with.

The brain started firing along all neural pathways. Systems check. Correct oxygen levels. Correct insulin levels. Trigger gland activity. Activate full sensory input...

"No! No sedative. We can't afford to put her back into a coma. It's Shepard, she can handle the pain."

A warm sensation forming in her head. Recognition.

"Gee, thanks, Miranda..." Her voice was barely more than a rasping whisper.

She directed her motor control towards the faint blots of light.

Her eyes opened.

She saw Miranda and Kasumi bent over her face with incredulous expressions.

"Shepard?"

She attempted to swallow to ease her dry throat, but saliva was only just beginning to form.

"Yeah, who did you think it was?" she rasped again.

Miranda laughed and her eyes strangely glistened.

"Shepard, you have no idea how relieved we are right now."

She blew out some air very quickly through her nose – that's as close as she could get to laughing.

"_You're_ relieved? No security alarms, no mechs shooting at me – I'm so happy I could dance."

"Well..." Kasumi looked at Miranda, clearly more moved that she'd like to, "I think it's safe to say we got the personality back."

Miranda laughed again.

"Shepard, how are you feeling?"

"Like shit."

"You're welcome!"

"Hey, that wasn't a complaint."

She did a good job focusing her eyes to look around the room.

"Was there somebody else in here before?"

The two women exchanged shocked glances.

"Were you actually aware of your surroundings?"

"I don't think so. Who was it?"

Miranda turned to the doctor, who was busy checking readings.

"Doctor, how is it looking?"

"Surprisingly solid, Ms. Lawson. If she's feeling okay, you're welcome to keep talking to her, she can even try moving if she feels like it. Getting the body into good shape before she woke up might have been a good idea. She's healed and ready to go into physical therapy. And, well, let's hope the brain doesn't die on us again. But," he shook his head, "it does look like once the Commander decides to wake up, she means business."

Shepard lifted her head a little.

"Doctor. Thank you."

"It has been an honor, Commander. But it is by no means all my work."

"So I gather. So, Miranda, who was here before?"

Miranda's eyes became shifty.

"It was the Lieutenant, Shepard."

"Really? What was James doing here? Did he get a medical degree while I was out?"

"No, I... he was here to say goodbye. We were about to switch off life support."

"I... see."

Miranda was quiet for a while, then laughed and shook her head.

"It almost seemed as if him walking out on you again pumped up your adrenalin enough for you to wake up."

"Yeah, sounds about right."

She tried to prop herself up on one arm and Kasumi helped her to sit up.

"So... how is he?"

Miranda's face showed guilt.

"He was doing fine before I brought him here. Now I imagine he's pretty devastated."

"Then you better get me up on my feet, and fast. I need to take care of it." She straightened up and stretched her neck. "And I'd like to get all this death stuff cleaned up, once and for all."

"Oh don't worry, the doctor is pretty sure that the next time you die, you stay dead."

"Thanks for the heads up."


	27. Come back alive

_'I'm gonna miss the fire. I'm gonna miss the world where everything is simple because the complicated fell to dust.'_

_._

_One second the slope was clear and the Conduit was just a couple hundred meters ahead._

_The next second a blast of searing red energy turned the convoy into chaos. Trucks, soldiers, concrete were thrown about like pieces of dirt. With disbelief she watched Harbinger descend right next to the Conduit._

_No time. No time to lose..._

"_Run!" she shouted. She heard Anderson shouting to his men a little way to the right._

_They started running toward the Conduit. The sky turned dark, contrasted with the red flare trying to lock on their position. Everything became a blur, like a bad nightmare the brain can't keep up with._

"_Watch out!"_

_The blast hit a truck right in front of them and sent it flying backwards. She just managed to fall to the ground and slide underneath it, but-_

"_Commander!"_

_Garrus' voice sharp like that never signaled anything good. She swung herself onto the truck and jumped down behind it._

"_James!"_

_The marine got hit in the shoulder, apparently, and the impact snapped his collarbone – and, through some twisted law of physics, his leg as well. He was pale and sweat was forming on his forehead. He might have had some internal trauma as well._

_He was coughing up blood._

_She knelt down beside him and put her hand to his cheek. Her other hand was activating her comm._

"_Joker! Joker, come in!"_

"_Commander?"_

"_I need an evac, ASAP!"_

"_That might be difficult, Harbinger's got-"_

"_You were born for difficult, Joker! Get your ass over here!"_

"_Uh... aye aye, Commander."_

_She helped James turn on his side._

"_Come on, James, hold on." He kept coughing blood. She was out of medi-gel._

"_Garrus! You'll get him outta here, okay?"_

"_Shepard, we should keep going..."_

"_No! You're both getting out of here! That's an order!"_

_The Normandy descended next to them, the cargo bay doors open. Garrus grabbed James and half propped, half carried him on board. Shepard was looking after them, the adrenalin in her blood giving her eyes a completely wild look._

_James resisted, half turning back._

"_Shepard..."_

_He looked like he was about to die._

"_Go!" she shouted._

_'No,'__ she could read from his lips as he shook his head._

_She jumped on board and walked to him._

"_James." She took his face in her hands. "Don't you dare die." She smiled at him. "I'm not done with you, Lieutenant. Get to the infirmary!"_

_She kissed him once, turned away and jumped back onto the ground._

"_Shepard!" His voice sounded like a crashing ship. "Come – back – alive!"_

_She gave him __a sad__ smile._

"_No promises."_

_And then, she was gone._


	28. Lola

The ocean was licking the beach, sleepy, lazy, dark. The sunset was gone, the colors turning from red and gold to indigo, purple and white. It was quiet, just the rustle of the waves and the steady hum of the generators near by.

He was standing there, his arms crossed, staring into the dark water. He looked lost in thought, but for once, his mind was actually completely empty. He simply ran out of things to think and things to feel. It's been too long, and nothing came of it.

Somehow, he believed he was ready to let go.

And he realized that the problem wasn't the ability, but the willingness.

And he was not willing to let it all slip away just yet.

Even though he knew he should.

So he just stood there, his mind confused, empty and tired.

He believed he has done more thinking in the past few months than during his entire life before that.

"I blame you for that, Lola."

"Are you talking to me?"

He spun around.

The fading gold colored her skin. Her hair was shorter, her eyes seemed bigger. She was wearing civilian clothes.

But it was her.

"Lola."

He didn't move.

"You were... gone. They were about to shut you down."

He didn't allow himself to feel anything just yet.

"Yeah, I heard. I also heard that you came by and talked some sense into me."

"What...?"

She smiled at him, sparkles in her eyes.

"Miranda seems to think that I got so pissed off seeing you walk out on me again that I just had to wake up and go kick your ass."

He laughed. More in disbelief than because it was funny.

She walked a bit closer. Her legs were shaky and she looked strangely weak and unsure.

"Did they just let you come out here by yourself? You were dead, por dios!"

She laughed and lost her balance. He caught her and held her arms to steady her.

"Don't worry, James, Steve's waiting for me at the airport."

She looked up into his face. He looked back. The gold light paled and whitened.

"I also seem to remember telling you that I wasn't done with you, Lieutenant."

"And I remember telling you to come back alive."

Her eyes sparkled.

"Well... here I am."

There she was.

He was _so_ not prepared for that.

"James."

"Hmmm?"

"What do you wanna do?"

He looked her in the eyes – and kissed her.

It was a solid minute before they could talk again. He hugged her tight and said:

"What I really wanna do is pick up Steve-" he started leading her along the beach, "then I wanna go grab a shuttle. Then I wanna go find the Normandy. Then I wanna hijack it – and tear your name off that stupid memorial wall!"

She laughed.

"That's a terrible plan. Joker will never let us come anywhere near stealing his ship."

"I thought it was your ship."

"Oh come on, who are we kidding."

They walked along the beach, only as fast as she could.

"So..." he hesitated, "what will you do now?"

She shrugged.

"I should report to Hackett. I gathered some top-priority intel while trying to activate the Crucible. I should check in with the rest of the crew. Then I should start getting myself back in shape for active duty. That's who I am. If you thought I was gonna retire..." she laughed. "Not while I'm still breathing."

She stopped.

"James." He turned to look at her. "I know it's hard for you. Confusing. For what it's worth, I understand all the times you choked. But as I said – I'm not done with you." She stepped closer and wrapped her arms around his neck. "I intend to give you plenty of chances to walk out on me in the future."

He kissed her.

"Well I hope you won't be insulted if I don't take them."

"No..." she smiled sadly, "but I _will _be surprised. After all... I know you, James. You were born to be N7. You'd sacrifice everything if it was the right choice. Even me."

He drew her to him and hugged her tight.

"Yeah," he spoke quietly into her hair, "but you can't imagine how hard I'd fight so I wouldn't have to."

.

.

.

_Thanks to everyone who read through it all up to here._

_Writing this piece was a bit of self-indulgence on my part and I have to admit, it was quite a ride for me. I haven't written anything in ages, but this thing just poured out._

_I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did. Can't ask for more;)_


End file.
